Escape
by Silverslide
Summary: Sydney thinks she's finally gotten away from her past


Title: Escape

Author: Silverslide

Pairing: Not telling

Rated: 12- 12A (U.K.) PG- PG13 (American)

Series: None

Summary: Sydney thinks she's finally gotten away from her past.

Fandom: Alias

Warnings: Lot's and lots of angst read at your own peril, secondly this story jumps about through events a bit, sorry :-( I've tried to make it as coherent as possible and it should be okay.

Author's note: I am not a big Alias fan, it's just something I watch sometimes and I know a lot about because my best friend is a huge Alias fan bless her. Anyway's this started out as me finishing one of her stories because she never finishes any of hers. But our writing style is so different I decided to do one of my own. So this story is dedicated to you firequeen hope you enjoy it. (Happy Christmas- see I always give you good presents)

Disclaimer: I don't own Alias, I am not making any money from this work and so on and so on.

Sydney looked up at the sun, it was hot, really hot, she'd never known it to be this hot, the radio had said that the chances for breaking the record for the hottest day ever was likely. Well no time to stand here and think, there was worshipping to do, the Lord wouldn't wait for her.

"Malachi come here the Lord awaits."

Malachi stood before his mother straightening his jacket. "Yes Mama?"

"Where's your sister?"

"Ah don't know Mama, she were playing with them her dolls when Ah saw her."

"Go get her, and if you see your pa you tell him to come here and set a good example to his children."

"Yes'um"

Sydney placed her hat on her head and sighed, wide brimmed to cast some shade over her eyes, her summer dress was new, Malachi senior. Had brought it just the other day from the store, the pale pink flowers bustled for position on the cream background. The skirt was plain and lose ending at mid calf with frills at the bottom.

Malachi turns up with his sister in tow. "Sorry Mama, daddy's just locking up the dogs. He says he'll meet us round the back with the pick up." She shuffles her feet as she talks.

"Well then let's go." Sydney watched as Ruth began to run forward towards the back of the house. "Ruth how many times do Ah have to tell ya, not to go running like some wild thing up and down the place, it just ain't the kinda thing a lady does."

"Ah'm sorry Mama." She began to walk demurely; Malachi senior is already sitting at the wheel waiting. Sydney held open the door as Malachi junior and Ruth sat in the back.

"Roll down them windows there, it's just too hot." As they began to move a breeze blew through the windows, Sydney began to watch the farms roll by, the soothing caress of the wind drove her mind to other more troubled times.

She was running through the park made all the more difficult by the heels she was wearing, she was so late she hoped he hadn't left, or anything like that. She heard the sound then a bang, the birds around her flew up into the air, she ducked as a blackbird nearly hit her, she smiled it sounded like a car had backfired in the road ahead.

She took a moment to compose herself and set her dishevelled hair into place, she figured a few seconds more wouldn't actually make a difference to him. She didn't see him at first, she looked around the fountain there was no one around, the park was deserted on this side, the jazz festival on the other side had all the visitors there. If she listened hard she could hear the slow sultry Jazz.

Then she saw a shoe behind a tree, she puzzled for a second at the strange angle the feet were at, she stopped near the tree, "Stop kidding around and come on over here, sorry I'm late you know I have a time consuming job." There's no reply the feet twitch a little, she decides to go meet him if he wouldn't meet her.

She'd seen blood before, seen someone who'd been shot, but not someone she loved like how she loved him, she ran towards him sobbing, his skin was pale and he was falling unconscious, she held him close to her, placing a hand on his chest trying to stop the bleeding.

She reached for her phone and dialled for an ambulance, to this day she couldn't remember what she said she just remembered hanging up and crying begging him not to die. "please don't die, not here don't die here, I don't want to be there when you die. Please." The paramedics had arrived, and she felt strong arms grip her from behind and pull her away from him. She didn't want to go she wanted to be by him. But she allowed the arms to pull her away.

"They know what they're doing, can we ask you a few questions Ma'am."

She must have nodded or something because he asked them anyways.

"What's your name?"

"I don't think he'll die, actually I know he won't because last week he told me we'll end up as an old couple all bent over walking sticks feeding the ducks. So he won't die because he doesn't lie and if he died that meant he lied about that, see?"

The officer nodded, he'd seen this before, after all she was in shock, he'd question her later. Instead now he led her to the back of his car and placed a blanket over her shoulders. "We are going to the theatre you know, see now we're going to be even later than we were already, I guess we'll go another time. I brought this dress yesterday specially, I can't even afford it do you think dry cleaning will get rid of the blood? It will I know because dry cleaning gets rid of everything."

She falls silent now, her mind is blank no thoughts stream through it, it's as though she doesn't exist. She barely saw as they placed him in the ambulance, she felt but didn't register as she was gently pushed into the squad car, the doors were shut and they drove behind the ambulance.

Someone brought her cold water whilst they waited, as the doctor came her stomach flipped she knew then the doctor didn't need to tell her she could see it in her eyes. "I'm sorry we had to pronounce dead on arrival."

"Oh." There was nothing else that could be said. She didn't speak again for a few hours, she just remembered someone from CIA turning up taking her from the hospital and into a car to headquarters.

"Sydney what happened?"

She was sitting across from Devlin, she'd stopped shaking now. It seemed a stupid thing to ask he must know what happened. "He was shot."

"I know that, but how is he?"

"You don't know?"

"No, we just intercepted your 911 call your saying he was shot."

"I'm so sorry Vaughn was pronounced dead on arrival."

She sat through the service in a haze, she amened at the right places and hallelujahed when required, try as she might she couldn't pay attention to what was being said, she didn't have faith in God, before he'd gone she was on the fence didn't know either way. Now she was sure, no God could be that cruel.

She looked around at the faces of the people sitting on the pews intent in prayer, she couldn't help but wonder what it would be like to have such faith. She could never remember a time when she did have that belief in something else, that even in the bad times there was some divine plan at work which she wasn't aware of. She couldn't trust, in God or in people.

She'd seen too much for that, when you did what she had, you stopped trusting or loving anyone except yourself. Other people had parents, you can always trust your parents when you're young they're there for you and as you get older whatever happens they stand by you even when they see you making a mistake. That is how people learnt to trust and to love. But she couldn't even trust her parents, not even as a child.

Things had been so different with Vaughn there was something about him being with him was a relief in a way she couldn't explain. It was something like having had a long day filled with disasters coming home finally and falling into bed, it was the same relief that the day was finally over, nothing bad could ever happen whilst you're here. That this was the end, you were safe.

Despite everything she had being drawn to Vaughn, they say love knows no bounds and will go to any lengths to have its way. She still remembered that fateful day being called into Devlin's office.

"Vaughn, Sydney come in we need to talk."

She felt it looking at him then that he knew about them, how he knew she didn't know but she had a pretty good idea, gossip spread like wildfire in this place, the looks Vaughn and her exchanged must have been noticed. After all the CIA were trained in reading body language, she should have known better than to think it would stay secrete for long.

"How long?"

The question hung in the air, Vaughn didn't want to say anything, he always played it close to the chest until he got the lay of the land and exactly what the opponent knew.

"A month." She sighed it seemed stupid to lie.

"Do you have any idea how stupid and irresponsible that is? There are rules against handlers fraternising with agents."

It seemed useless to argue so she sat in silence looking at her lap, she couldn't say exactly what was said she just nodded in the right places. It was strange as Devlin spoke all she could think about was him and her, it was so young.

"Listen, this has got to stop, you both need your wits about you when you're working not worrying about some lovers tiff, it endangers your life and the lives of others. I'll leave you to have a think about it."

"How are you?" He was the first to speak.

"Fine I guess, how 'bout you?"

"Good."

She mumbled something in return, and they fell into silence again. She thought about what she had with Vaughn, it felt like something special but all relationships felt like that at the start. What she had here at the CIA was special, she liked her job, the people the work she couldn't envision putting all of that in jeopardy just because she thought she was in love with someone.

Even though her head told her otherwise she couldn't ignore the tugging in her heart that told her she was making a big mistake. She looked up at Vaughn and found the same emotions playing across his face.

"Do you want to end this? Be honest." She didn't know why she asked and she didn't know what she wanted to hear, she just needed some guidance on how he was feeling.

"No, but…" He stopped sighing and looking at the floor.

"But what?"

"I don't know, Syd' it's just we have our whole lives at stake if we keep going and I'm just thinking what if it doesn't work out? It's good now but what if?"

"I know, it's not that I don't have these strong feelings for you it's just it's not practical. And even if we did I just think would we end up hating each other if we couldn't do what we loved to do?"

They talked for a while more, going round in circles evaluating and re-evaluating the pros and the cons of their options, each too afraid to say the real conclusion in fear of offending the other. Fifteen minutes passed and Devlin came back.

"What have you decided?"

She didn't speak, instead she tried to bribe the voice inside that yelled that she was making a mistake, she promised herself that as soon as she was able she'd find herself another man, someone who was available.

"It's over." Vaughn looked at Devlin briefly then went back to examining his boots.

She didn't think hearing it would hurt that bad, but it did, it felt like someone had stuck their hand in her stomach and twisted her insides whilst laughing at her. It was a cruel world.

"Good, I'm sorry but these things have to be nipped in the bud."

That was it, within the space of a half hour she'd shaped the rest of her life, that

Day would have consequences that would reach out and push her life in directions she would never have guessed.

It was getting past noon the sun was at it's height now, the heat was sweltering, hot did not somehow seem adequate to describe this particular type of heat. It felt as though the sun had decided to reach down with all it's might and remove all water from the earth, everything was dry even the air, you could almost taste the heat.

Back in the truck the breeze filtered in through the window, Ruth and Malachi Junior spoke about their Sunday school lesson, their voices full of pride.

"And the teacher said that my picture were the best one." Ruth looked smug in the back seat.

"She wants to be an artist when she grows up." Malachi looked at his mother, he'd noticed she seemed a bit sad all day.

"Do you now? That's nice." Sydney smiled at Ruth in a way she hoped would encourage her. She didn't want to seem cynical about life, but in her experience dreams didn't come true, these children would learn that soon enough, all she could do would be to be there for them when things fell apart. In a way no one had been there for her.

She tried to imagine not for the first time Vaughn sitting in the position of Malachi driving, tried to imaging the children on the back seat as hers and Vaughn's. What would it be like, would they still be deeply in love or would their feelings have settled into a more sedate version that familiarity causes? Or would there still be that passion that intense fire that sometimes threatened to just take over both of them?

It was no use wondering, but still sometimes she did wonder what if? What hurt her now the most were those three months they spent apart, if she had known then what she knew now she would not have agreed to calling of their relationship. Or maybe if she'd known then, she would have saved herself a lot of hurt, she would not have gone to Morocco.

"Are you sure you want to do this?" Vaughn had barely spoken a word to her since they left.

"It's too late to pull out now." She didn't answer his question, given the choice again she would not have come, most definitely not with him. Devlin had watched them both for a while, but he had eventually been convinced they were over.

"They're calling our flight."

They walked together towards the Air Morocco check in desk, Sydney had tied her hair back, this mission it was a long dirty blond colour that reached just above her waist. It was a simple enough sounding mission, fly to Morocco where they'd meet a contact, Ahmed who would introduce them to the weapons dealer, all they had to do was retrieve his hard drive with the names and addresses of his contacts.

She'd done missions like this before, what made it complicated was that her and Vaughn were in the field, alone. She still felt uncomfortable around him, there was none of that easiness that had been there before. She just couldn't be comfortable around him.

The flight over was uneventful, she sat next to Vaughn but the two of them barely spoke, he pretended to read the complimentary magazine, but she noticed he didn't turn the page once. She busied herself alternately staring out of the window at the clouds or reading the safety leaflet after an hour she went to sleep.

Morocco was hot, this wasn't her first time here, but it was Vaughn's, it was still as she had remembered, sometimes she'd thought she'd imagined the atmosphere, there was a certain magic about the place as though it could somehow change a person, make everything okay.

Ahmed was in the car with them listing their itinerary, she let Vaughn deal with him, she continued to stare out of the car at the most magical place she knew. Before she'd appreciated this magic had even revelled in it, this time with Vaughn she couldn't help but feel sad. When she looked at Vaughn it was as though her heart was being squeezed by some invisible force, sometimes she couldn't breath.

She'd tried dating, it always began the same way, she'd agonise for days before, sometimes she picked up the phone and cancelled, sometimes she stood them up and sometimes she turned up. But she always compared them to Vaughn, and they could never win, right now she was dating Paul Novak he was attractive and fairly rich, she didn't love him, she didn't think she even liked him.

It was what people expected, so it was what she did, she didn't want people around her asking what was wrong, giving advice, she just wanted to be left alone, not being told there were many more fish in the sea.

The hotel they were to stay at was average, truth be told she didn't notice much about it, except her and Vaughn were in the same room and there was only one bed. She noticed it, and she noticed him notice it, they said nothing. Instead she unpacked the small duffle bag with equipment, and they ran through their parts.

Two hours later Ahmed arrived with a car, they were met by a chuffer who ushered them into the car, "Courtesy of Mr Smith." Ahmed informed them she nodded, and cuddled up to Vaughn playing her part. She felt the muscles of his arms stiffen as she touched him, she didn't feel anything, she was numb now. She remembered reading somewhere that there was only so much pain the body can take before it begins to shut down, this is usually followed by death.

There was pain when she thought about Vaughn, too much pain she didn't feel it or anything else anymore sometimes she felt something when she let her guard down but since they'd landed, she felt little. In the deepest part of her she knew she was dying. It was a strange sort of death she wouldn't be buried it wasn't physical, it was emotional, mental, spiritual, without Vaughn she was just an empty shell a body.

She mentally ran through her part, Vaughn was Nathan Farmer, he supplied made to order ammunition to anyone who could pay, right now a paramilitary group in Northern Ireland needed an order filled he needed specialist help. She was his current eye candy of no significance to him. Vaughn would engage him in negotiations, she was to pretend to be bored, ask for a tour of the mansion or to use the bathroom, gain access to the computer and do her thing. Then she would be able to go home and move on with her life.

They had arrived up to a large villa, they were met at the gates by three large men, from the bulges at various parts of their bodies they were well armed. She clinged to Vaughn staring at him adoringly. They were searched, she did her best to act flighty and giggle when she was patted down for weapons. It was hard she didn't want to laugh, to cry yes, scream in frustration yes and perhaps to die.

"Mr Farmer, your reputation precedes you welcome to my home." John Smith was a large man, portly was the polite term, the truth would be that he'd perhaps indulged in life's excesses far too much. He had a strong American accent, which matched his biography. He'd been born and had lived in America for most of his life, but had left to set up his arms empire here in Morocco.

He led them both towards the pool area where a table had been set. "Come, sit sit let's talk business Mr Farmer." She sat next to Vaughn and Ahmed sat on his opposite side. She acted her part, watching for any suspicious signs, there were none, eventually she piped up when she was sure this was legitimate.

"Do you boys never stop talking about work? This is such a beautiful house, could I see it?"

He didn't hesitate, the psychological profile had him pegged accurately extremely vain with a love for showing off his wealth. "Mohammed, take this rather fine specimen of womanhood for a tour of my wonderful home."

It was all so easy it was almost perfect, the house was such a maze each room having at least two doors giving Mohammad the slip was the easiest thing to do, she'd seen the plans she knew exactly where his office and the computer were. It was a simple thing, she found a spare USB port, plugged the portable hard drive in the screen came up, she'd practiced this before at head quarters, the programme was downloaded into Smith's computer, it would invade all his personal non-system files and download them all into the USB hard drive.

It barely took thirty seconds, she placed the hard drive back in her pocket it was disguised as a pen, she'd done it now, They'd continue negotiations till everything was sorted then back to the hotel they would be out of Morocco on the next flight. There was some sadness in this, she couldn't have Vaughn but pretending to have Vaughn was unbearable in some ways but in another way it was a relief. It was complicated it was as though her feelings weren't her own, random emotions appeared, sometimes it hurt so much she wanted to fall asleep and never wake up, other times the pain was almost sweet.

"Ah Miss? I'm sorry I didn't catch your name before." Smith came suddenly behind her.

"Trent, Catie Trent, with a C not a K"

"Thank you, that was rather more information than I asked for but thanks all the same."

She was still in the hallway, she had been walking around fixing a lost look on her face asking for Mohammad as though she'd not intended to lose him, then she saw them, two body guard stood at either side of Mohammad. Vaughn was not with them, she looked again at Smith, his smile was smug and his tone wasn't friendly, he knew they had crossed him.

She didn't think about herself now, there was rising panic she could feel her stomach twisting her world narrowed to one thought, 'what has happened to Vaughn?' She tasted fear, fear has a taste some people do not believe this but it's perhaps because they haven't been sacred enough, it tastes metallic.

"Well I think we've waited long enough don't you Miss Trent, could you be so kind as to show Miss Trent to the special guests quarters, I have other worries to deal with now."

The two bodyguards stepped forwards, their guns bulging menacingly they walked away down a length of corridor she could take them right now, that's what her training had taught her to do, grab one of the vases or chairs from the passage knock both of them out. But if they hadn't killed her then they hadn't killed Vaughn there was still a chance that she could find him, be with him training told her that in this situation it was everyone for themselves, but Vaughn was a part of her, a part she couldn't claim in public or even to him.

He led her to a small metal door at the end of the corridor, it had a bar across it and a bolt at the top and the bottom, those sorts of doors the old fashioned ones were the hardest to get out of. The modern doors would have locks that you could pick or electrical cables you could mess around with but a solid metal bar on the other side unless you had a strong powerful magnet, you couldn't do much about. She wouldn't be able to take him.

"After you Ma'am." He motioned for her to enter, the room was pitch black the light from the open door was weak she couldn't see the other end. She wanted to turn and cry out for Vaughn, ask where he was what had happened to him, but she kept quiet, if Vaughn denied knowing what she was doing, if he had kept to his training anything she said now would endanger his life.

The door closed behind her, she couldn't hear anything, a thin patch of light shone through the bottom of the door, it travelled a few centimetres before being consumed by the darkness.

"Vaughn are you here?" She whispered it in the darkness.

"Who's Vaughn?" His voice rang out from the corner. "It's Nathan remember?"

she groped in the darkness and touched something a nose, she knew where he was, she should have let go of his face but she didn't she ran a hand to his cheek and stroked it, she felt him lean his head towards her touch. Maybe it was the darkness around her that made her bold but her hand travelled to his lips, and ran a finger over his lips, softly so gently it was barely perceptible he kissed her finger lightly. She inhaled sharply and he moved away with a sigh.

"I can't do this, sorry."

He moved away, in the darkness she couldn't tell where he was, reaching her hand out she felt for a wall, she didn't have faith in her legs to keep her upright anymore, she lay down on the floor hugging her knees to her chest. It was made of some sort of stone like the rest of the walls she'd felt, it was cold, she smiled a small sad smile to the darkness like her heart. She didn't cry, this was a sadness beyond tears.

"Why?" She spoke into the darkness.

"Why what?"

"Why can't you do this?"

"You know why, we agreed not to."

"Vaughn, I'm only human I made a mistake, I thought that it was just a thing, I've had so many of them, I didn't think it would hurt like this."

"I'm sorry."

"I think you feel the same, you don't say it but I see it in your eyes, it's like the light has gone out in them, it's how my eyes look."

"Sydney…"

"Don't say it, you don't want a relationship, you value your career too much."

"I hurt too, it's not just you, but I know that in time I'll come to terms with what's happened."

"Why? Why are you so sure you'll come to terms with it?"

"Because… because if I don't I think I'll go insane."

"I love you Vaughn, I'm not afraid to say it anymore I love you."

"Well you shouldn't."

"Tell me, put your hand on your heart and tell me you don't love me too, tell me you don't lay awake at night like I do and think about what could have been. When you see couples tell me you don't look away because it hurts too much, tell me that and I promise you I won't say anything else, tell me Vaughn and I'll get a transfer and you'll never see me again."

There was silence, filled with only the breathing of the two of them, she couldn't say how much time went by, it was as though here, in this room there was no time, the world didn't exist, it was unreal.

"I can't tell you any of that."

"So what do we do about it?"

He didn't reply, he couldn't, there was a whistling sound above them, they both looked up there was only darkness, there was a large bang, the floor around then shook, lying on the floor she wasn't shaken about so much. It was an explosion, she'd been in enough, had had training she knew what it was. She waited out the shakes and aftershocks.

When she opened her eyes the room was flooded with light, there was no roof, the rest of the room was intact, she turned to look at Vaughn, he was okay covered in dust it made him look old, she had no time to wonder about the future whether she would grown old with Vaughn.

"We need to get out of here, we mightn't be so lucky next time."

They scrambled out of the remains of the villa a helicopter whirled over head machine guns mounted on either side shooting indiscriminately, on the ground they could see some of Smith's gang shooting at the attacking forces. The cell they'd been held in was close to the open grounds, they ran for the cover of the trees, once secluded by the green canopy they continued running they'd studied the maps and could hear the sound of the stream silently they headed for it, once they'd crossed the stream they were in open country.

They didn't speak as the scrambled through woods, when one stumbled they other helped them up. When they reached the edge of the trees, it was nearing dark, they didn't know how long they'd been in the cell, behind them the fire fight could no longer be heard, or maybe it had just ended. They looked about them, it was open country.

"Do you know where we are?" Sydney looked at Vaughn as she spoke

"No, but there's a house over there."

"Is it safe?"

"Safer than going back, we can't go into the city any ways, Smith would have his men on the look out for us."

"I don't think Smith will be worrying about us for a while."

"The brief said some other gangs in the area had been making a bid for the number one spot but I thought Smith had them all under control."

"Even if he survives this attack on his power base, he's weakened someone else is going to come in for the kill."

Nothing else was said as they walked uphill towards the horizon and towards the house, maybe they could use the phone, organise a pick up.

It was nearly dark by the time they reached the house, it was nothing more than a hut, typical of this region of Morocco, they knocked on the door, they called out, no one came out, the door was ajar Sydney pushed it open.

Inside it was bare except for a few sleeping mats and cooking essentials, there were cans of food, marked in Arabic on the floor of the hut, the place looked as though no one had been there for months, cobwebs sprouted in the corners and a thick layer of dust had covered most things.

"I don't think anyone lives here." Vaughn lifted one of the cans and examined it.

"No, they left in a hurry leaving everything behind like this."

"I know, why?"

"Don't question it."

Vaughn reached in a corner and brought out a tin, he lifted the lid and found a satellite phone, Vaughn dialled the emergency number, Sydney watched his hands move over a dial. She looked away she didn't know why she felt suddenly sad that they had made contact with the outside world, she walked back out into the darkness and looked up at the stars. You didn't see stars like this in the city there were so many, when she was younger a teacher had told her once that the stars were fairy dust that the star fairy threw up each night when it got dark. She spent a few more minutes looking at the stars, the magic creeping over her, it was getting colder outside she went back in.

"Rescue is going to be a week."

She nodded and sat down on one of the sleeping mats.

"This used to be a hut that the owner used to gain intelligence on Smith, but he disappeared a few months back, the supplies are good I checked."

She said nothing, the silence crept back over them, she thought about him it seemed she always thought about him, strange emotions ran through her as they always did, she'd become accustomed to not knowing why she felt the way she did where Vaughn was concerned.

"I don't know." It was Vaughn who spoke, she gave him a questioning look.

He explained further. "You asked just before the explosion, 'what should we do?' well I don't know, do you?"

"Take it one day at a time."

"Do you want to risk it all? If we do this you will have to give up everything you know."

"Everything I know, what is that exactly Vaughn? A dad who doesn't even care about me a Mother who would kill me for the right price and a job that is so cold." Her voice broke. "So heartless that sometimes it hurts? No one loves me for me, they love me because I'm a good spy, a good detective, a good murderer, I didn't mind before I thought maybe this was all there was, I was loved, why I was loved didn't matter to me, then you came along and it just changed and I didn't see it changing I didn't see anything except you."

Vaughn sighed.

"I think what you really wanted to ask was if you're willing to give it up, isn't that right Vaughn, you love it too much."

"No, this all of it, it's nothing without you and I am trying Sydney, I am trying so hard to ignore what I feel but I feel it, I feel it everyday more and more and more and I think that I'm nothing anymore just pain. It's like all the joy all the happiness everything good comes from you and if I don't have you I don't have anything good. I don't wanna feel this way, I don't wanna be sad anymore."

He stopped and tears flowed freely, all the pent up frustrations, sadness and joy he couldn't express came back. She reached over and kissed a tear stained cheek gently, lifting his chin with her finger she looked him in the eye. "It doesn't have to be that way anymore."

And it hadn't been, those days together with Vaughn were the happiest days of her life, at first it was as though they were making up for lost happiness feeling every good emotion they'd been denied the last three months. There was something there between them that went deeper than feelings somehow she'd become complete and finished, before she was a work in progress still being made, now she was done, God had laid down his brush looked at the canvas that was her, smiled at the finished product, and saw that it was good.

Sydney laid out the table for afternoon lunch after church, she'd learnt to cook when she'd married Malachi senior, once all the food was laid out she asked Ruth to go in and call the men to the table, she never thought she would end like this a sexist housewife, life always had a different way of turning out.

Malachi senior sat down and began to tell his story, it was tradition, every Sunday before lunch was eaten he would tell one of his many stories.

"Now there're some who believe that when humans were created they were two, they were born together and would die together, they lived life as one being. No one know to think that they were two, as they only knew they were one, One day these humans angered the Gods so much that the Gods looked for the most horrible way they could punish humanity. So they used their power and split all the humans into two so they were no longer one.

"It made all the people humans so sad, and for a great time the earth was covered in darkness and misery as humans could create no joy or happiness, they were filled with a deep longing a loneliness which they could not try as they would fill, not with all the wealth they could find. The Gods seeing what had resulted knew they could not go back on their deeds and so made it that every human would have a partner but they will not be one.

"That is why humans will always spend all their lives searching for that person who will complete them and fill them."

Malachi finished his story looking Sydney in the eye, he suspected though he didn't know that she had being hurt sometime, that she was running from something, she didn't feel guilty using him the way she did, those virtuous emotions were gone now, she was void of emotion a cold hard shell empty.

She had being moved by his story she questioned what hope remained now for her she had found and lost the one what was she to do now with herself, what was life for? She sniffed away tears; she wasn't going to cry not anymore, she'd vowed that she never would cry again.

She stood by the open mouth of the grave staring at the cream coloured coffin that held the body of Vaughn, she saw but didn't see, the coffin. The funeral had come to an end, the guests were leaving the graveyard in black cars, with tinted windows, there was no wake to go to, the funeral was quiet and understated as Vaughn had wished.

She stood by herself, on the edge of her vision she saw the men standing respectfully at a distance waiting for her to leave so they could fill the grave, and finally lay him to rest. She didn't want to leave, that would bring it all to an end and to bring it to an end would make it real.

She heard the footsteps approach but didn't turn, a gentle arm was placed on her shoulder, she still didn't turn

"I'm sorry for your loss." It was the minister who had conducted the service.

"You didn't know him."

"I can understand."

"Like someone has ripped out your insides, cut off your limbs and left you bleeding to death and people are walking by and you're trying to scream and ask them to help to stop and help ease the pain, but they can't hear you and even if they could what could they do, have you ever felt like that?"

"No."

"Then how can you possibly understand how I feel?"

"Forgive me."

He walked away, she reached into her pocket and withdrew the small knife she'd always carried with her she cut her hand and let the blood drip into the open grave. "Never again, I will never love anyone but you, I swear. I won't cry anymore, we cried too much already, I'll drown in tears if I cry anymore."

She closed the knife replaced it in her pocket and walked away from the grave and didn't look back, she sat in the back of the last remaining black car and drove to the CIA headquarters, she hadn't decided to do it till the moment she'd walked from the grave. She spoke to Devlin.

"I want to leave."

"Look it it's because of this thing with Vaughn I can keep it from official channels make it so it never happened, you don't have to suffer."

"I don't care."

"You'll feel differently in a few weeks."

"I don't want to be here."

"Are you sure you've thought this through."

She sighed she didn't have the energy for this. "I'm tired, more than that I don't have anything left to give, physically, mentally, spiritually I am so tired I can't do anything, it's a struggle to breathe. I just want out, to lay in bed and sleep for a very very long time, I want out."

He took a long look at her and nodded, she left his office, stopped at her desk and picked up the butterfly locket Vaughn had brought for her the first time they had dated.

She didn't let go of it for two weeks, she kept her fingers closed around it in a fist, drawing the strength she needed to survive from it, the last connection she had with Vaughn. She slept most of the day fifteen, sixteen hours at a time, when she woke she barely ate and spent most of the time staring at the ceiling it hurt a lot.

The first day of the third week she had an inspiration, her new identity papers had arrived, she had chosen her new name at random, the first name she'd heard whilst flicking through the television channels, names weren't important to her anymore. She'd packed all her essentials, stored them in the car, sat in the drivers seat, kissed the pendant, worn it across her neck, turned the key in the ignition, took a look behind her and had driven.

She knew what she was looking for a reason to live, she didn't know when she would find it or where exactly it was she just knew she had to find it. She'd driven around America for nearly a year before she'd found him, Malachi he was a void space like herself, who had loved and lost, it was convenient, she would never love him, he would never love her. She'd found her reason to survive then in the children Ruth and Malachi Junior both so deep in pain it transcended her own pain, to make sure those children survived the death of their mother became her reason to survive.

She and Malachi had married a month later, the marriage was to stop gossip, it meant nothing to either of them, of that they were both clear from the beginning he did not hide that he could not ever love her and she did not hide that she could not love him. She had never spoken of Vaughn, he was something she kept in her heart close to her always the pendant was always with her, Malachi never asked, every year at Vaughn's anniversary she visited his grave placed a bunch of 24 white roses on his grave, stayed for five minutes then left.

Every morning when she woke up she kissed the scar where she had cut her palm, every night before sleeping she did the same it reminded her of her vow.

It was evening the sun was setting in the horizon, Sydney stood by the door and watched the final dying rays of sunlight illuminate the world about her, she heard the door open behind her.

"Peggy May, you've been real quiet today."

"I know."

"You wanna say why, I mean if you don't wanna talk 'bout it that's jus fine with me."

"It's nothing just I lost someone so precious to me that by losing them I lost myself, and I don't think I will ever find myself again."

Done


End file.
